Sunday, July 09, 2006
From "we" to "me"
"Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think any thing as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God." 2 Corinthians 3:5
The inscription inside mine and Malcom's wedding bands reads, "Now We Are One". That was our goal, to be so unified in heart and soul that we truly were one. Somehow over the course of more than 33 years of marriage that happened. His pain was my pain, his joys mine. I had grown accustomed to weighing in his thoughts on any decision I made. We respected one another's opinions, put the other's desires before our own. Now suddenly it is no longer "we" but "me". I feel like half of me is missing. The enormity of the loss is overwhelming at times as I realize every day just how much I depended upon him, how much he "completed" me.
I find now that I am fearful because my protector is gone. I'm lonely, even in a group of people, because my closest confidant is gone. As far as earthly relationships go, the light of my life has gone out and I struggle in the dark to discover how to live as just "me."
Today the Lord gently reminded me of a verse which I had learned in the first year of our marriage: 2 Corinthians 3:5 tells me that my sufficiency is of God. Whatever I lack, He is the one that can complete it. I can exchange my fear for His confidence. I can exchange my loneliness for His presence. He knew exactly what we needed then to become one, and He knows now exactly what I need to live as just "me".
The inscription inside mine and Malcom's wedding bands reads, "Now We Are One". That was our goal, to be so unified in heart and soul that we truly were one. Somehow over the course of more than 33 years of marriage that happened. His pain was my pain, his joys mine. I had grown accustomed to weighing in his thoughts on any decision I made. We respected one another's opinions, put the other's desires before our own. Now suddenly it is no longer "we" but "me". I feel like half of me is missing. The enormity of the loss is overwhelming at times as I realize every day just how much I depended upon him, how much he "completed" me.
I find now that I am fearful because my protector is gone. I'm lonely, even in a group of people, because my closest confidant is gone. As far as earthly relationships go, the light of my life has gone out and I struggle in the dark to discover how to live as just "me."
Today the Lord gently reminded me of a verse which I had learned in the first year of our marriage: 2 Corinthians 3:5 tells me that my sufficiency is of God. Whatever I lack, He is the one that can complete it. I can exchange my fear for His confidence. I can exchange my loneliness for His presence. He knew exactly what we needed then to become one, and He knows now exactly what I need to live as just "me".
5 Comments:
I love you Carol and am praying for you. On Wednesday night one of our ladies asked about you. Penni said that she had never prayed for someone so much who she had never met as you. Be comforted in knowing that God hears the prayers of many on your behalf.
Sue M.
Dear friend,
Thank you for being frank and honest. It is helpful to more than just you, but will definately help you as you are honest with God as well.
It will not be the same, but it won't always be just "me" either.
You are right. It will take some time and the God who helped you make it "us", will use others as you transition to fill pieces of the gap that make it feel like it is "me." Then, what we as friends can't touch and reach, the comforter can.
You will never be truly alone with so many friends and God. Hold on Carol. Peace will come in the morning and dawn is just in sight.
Hold on to what you and Malcom believe and lived for so many wonderful years. You're on the brink of a miracle.
We love you so much!
Rick and Sue M.
Mom,
I wish I could do more to be a comfort. I am in anguish at the enormity of what has changed in our life. I hope that just being there has been a comfort because in so many ways I feel helpless. I am reminded of a speaker at Morrison so many years ago who taught us about being "God with skin on" If my arms can carry His love I want to wrap them around you.
I love you!
~Nancy
I have tears as I read your latest entry and I can't tell if they are for you or me. I have been so blessed by your writings and I hope that through our situation God will allow us to be just a little of the blessing to others that you have been to me. We go to KU Friday for another consult, but I am trying to just remember that in HIS perfect time all will be accomplished as they should. Still, my heart aches for you. Carol, I dont even know you, though I wish I did, but I know beyond any doubt that our Lord will be there every minute of your now and your tomorrow. I agree with your friend who says you are on the brink of a miracle. Keep writing. It will help you ..and us..Kathy
We've been praying for you and thinking about you so much. Now, we know better how to pray. Just know that you are in our thoughts and prayers continuely.
Love you,
Caroline (and Mike)
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