Friday, July 14, 2006
No spin reality
“Today also my complaint is bitter, my hand is heavy on account of my groaning.” Job 23:2
This may come as a revelation to some: missionaries are not super human. I struggle with the same things that others struggle with. Just because I’m a missionary doesn’t mean I am immune to all human emotion when faced with overwhelming circumstances. No, in fact, I must admit that today I recognize what I feel is anger, pure and simple. I am not surprised by this emotion surfacing just 3 weeks after my husband’s death. I felt it many times over the course of Malcom’s battle with cancer. I am well aware it is one of the “stages” of grief even while hating the term as if losing one’s spouse so early in life were something I can just “get over” as the word “stage” implies.
The problem is, I have this huge store of heart-wrenching pain and I have nowhere to focus it. I can’t be angry at Malcom. He didn’t want to have cancer, he didn’t want to leave me! I can’t be mad at God. Sickness and death are the results of mankind’s depravity. So I will not blame God foolishly. In Job’s words, “I have esteemed the words of His mouth more than my necessary food.” (Job 23:12) I could focus my anger at Taiwan and refuse to return to the place that probably “gave” my husband cancer. But that would be disobedient to God's calling and play into Satan’s tactics to hinder the gospel. I could focus my anger on myself or others, but doing so would destroy whatever “good” is left of my miserable life.
It is one of those horrible emotions that has not outlet except to cry out to my Lord who created me and understands all my feelings. I am left, as Job, facing the fact that I am simply human and ache with a pain that cannot be soothed. It’s the reality of what one popular news figure calls a “no spin zone.” My husband is gone. My life as I knew it is changed. Even my role as missionary to Taiwan, although continuing, will be defined differently. I am a grandma without grandpa to help cuddle the grandkids. Every part of my “identity” is affected.
I can relate to Naomi in the book of Ruth. I feel her pain as she said, “Call me not Naomi (meaning pleasant), call me Mara (meaning bitter); for the Almighty hath dealt very bitterly with me.”
Both Job and Naomi’s stories ended with blessing. So there is a glimmer of hope that Carol, meaning joyful song, will one day find her joy and her song again.
This may come as a revelation to some: missionaries are not super human. I struggle with the same things that others struggle with. Just because I’m a missionary doesn’t mean I am immune to all human emotion when faced with overwhelming circumstances. No, in fact, I must admit that today I recognize what I feel is anger, pure and simple. I am not surprised by this emotion surfacing just 3 weeks after my husband’s death. I felt it many times over the course of Malcom’s battle with cancer. I am well aware it is one of the “stages” of grief even while hating the term as if losing one’s spouse so early in life were something I can just “get over” as the word “stage” implies.
The problem is, I have this huge store of heart-wrenching pain and I have nowhere to focus it. I can’t be angry at Malcom. He didn’t want to have cancer, he didn’t want to leave me! I can’t be mad at God. Sickness and death are the results of mankind’s depravity. So I will not blame God foolishly. In Job’s words, “I have esteemed the words of His mouth more than my necessary food.” (Job 23:12) I could focus my anger at Taiwan and refuse to return to the place that probably “gave” my husband cancer. But that would be disobedient to God's calling and play into Satan’s tactics to hinder the gospel. I could focus my anger on myself or others, but doing so would destroy whatever “good” is left of my miserable life.
It is one of those horrible emotions that has not outlet except to cry out to my Lord who created me and understands all my feelings. I am left, as Job, facing the fact that I am simply human and ache with a pain that cannot be soothed. It’s the reality of what one popular news figure calls a “no spin zone.” My husband is gone. My life as I knew it is changed. Even my role as missionary to Taiwan, although continuing, will be defined differently. I am a grandma without grandpa to help cuddle the grandkids. Every part of my “identity” is affected.
I can relate to Naomi in the book of Ruth. I feel her pain as she said, “Call me not Naomi (meaning pleasant), call me Mara (meaning bitter); for the Almighty hath dealt very bitterly with me.”
Both Job and Naomi’s stories ended with blessing. So there is a glimmer of hope that Carol, meaning joyful song, will one day find her joy and her song again.
8 Comments:
I desire to be as honest as you do. What I don't like about my situation is that I am too far away to give you a hug and drink a cup of coffee together...talk and cry together...and of course, laugh together and share our memories and dreams with each other.
I love you dearly. I know what you need is to feel the loving arms of our Saviour and I pray that you will find all that within what God has placed all around you. I pray that He will surround you with family and friends that will continually lift you up in your time of need.
Love you, Caroline
we are all here - we love you - Alice
Hi Carol, I feel for you as you go through each day,and each night and I am constantly praying for you to feel the Saviour's arms around you, and for Him to place your footsteps where He would have them.
Much love, Jeanne
I wish I had some wonderful words of encouragement to say, I'm at a loss for words at the enormity of your loss and grief. Please just know that you and your family continue to be in my prayers, and I have other friends praying for you.
Libby
I hurt for you.....and wish I lived just down the street. I love you - Liz
Dear Carol,
As I read your words I felt your emotions. Thankfully, we do not have to live by them. We have a more sure salvation that is never at the mercy of how we feel. Malcom is safe, at perfect peace, loved, and comforted. So are you. You have peace that passes understanding, hope for heaven, and the love of family and friends. Sure it wasn't according to our design, but who are we to know how to plan our lives. I am certain God does the better job. Being honest with yourself and others is a blessing. I read in your words a stedfast trust that God will provide a way for you through this grief. It is but for a season because you will be with Malcom and Susan again. It will be..
love you friend,
Cry and mourn. There is a time we must do so.
Sue M
有時需強迫自己多想些快樂的事，當我極度想念Malcom時，總會意起那幽默的口吻，彷彿他又出現在我面前和我快樂的聊天，他一定希望我們過得快樂的。
Steven Betty Stephanie Shara
我們愛您 師母
Carol, I just got back from going to camp with our youth. It was blessing. The theme was to "pour". Pour out to worship, for comfort, for love, and yes even anger. God our creator made us with emotions. Just Pour out to your Daddy. Psalm 62:8 Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. LOve you Jo and Bruce
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