Thursday, September 14, 2006
How I'm really doing
“But Thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.” Psalm 3:3
I had to smile this morning as I read an email from a friend asking “…so how are you really doing?” I’m not offended by the insinuation that I’m less than honest in replying “fine” to “how are you?” Let’s face it, not everyone wants to know the details of my life! I refuse to wear my grief like a cloak around my shoulders for all to see. That part of me is too personal to put on display for just anybody. And yet, I like to think if you take the time to read this blog, then perhaps you are one who really wants to know.
How am I doing? To answer that question means I must peel away a portion of the carefully spun cocoon in which I have encased my heart. I have managed to survive by hiding the painful emotions even from myself. Still, once in a while something triggers a memory or a thought that opens the floodgates and tears flow. I am helpless to stop it then. I am hurting, but I am surviving.
How am I doing? I just got back from a short vacation with my sister, Liz. We attended a quilter’s retreat in the Northwest. It was good to have some “sister time” together and see a part of the US I had never seen before. But after being gone a week, coming home to the empty house was a hard jolt back to reality. I dread returning to Taiwan for this reason, knowing I must face our apartment, his office, the church, a multitude of people and places all connected to memories of Malcom. Honestly, it frightens me. I’m lonely and I hate being alone.
How am I doing? I have chosen to set my mind on the only Anchor I have in this storm. God has promised to provide perfect peace in the midst of unsettled times. “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusts in Thee.” (Isaiah 26:3) In spite of my crazy emotions and irrational fears, I am still trusting, still clinging to the Lord.
So, how am I doing? I’m fine….really.
I had to smile this morning as I read an email from a friend asking “…so how are you really doing?” I’m not offended by the insinuation that I’m less than honest in replying “fine” to “how are you?” Let’s face it, not everyone wants to know the details of my life! I refuse to wear my grief like a cloak around my shoulders for all to see. That part of me is too personal to put on display for just anybody. And yet, I like to think if you take the time to read this blog, then perhaps you are one who really wants to know.
How am I doing? To answer that question means I must peel away a portion of the carefully spun cocoon in which I have encased my heart. I have managed to survive by hiding the painful emotions even from myself. Still, once in a while something triggers a memory or a thought that opens the floodgates and tears flow. I am helpless to stop it then. I am hurting, but I am surviving.
How am I doing? I just got back from a short vacation with my sister, Liz. We attended a quilter’s retreat in the Northwest. It was good to have some “sister time” together and see a part of the US I had never seen before. But after being gone a week, coming home to the empty house was a hard jolt back to reality. I dread returning to Taiwan for this reason, knowing I must face our apartment, his office, the church, a multitude of people and places all connected to memories of Malcom. Honestly, it frightens me. I’m lonely and I hate being alone.
How am I doing? I have chosen to set my mind on the only Anchor I have in this storm. God has promised to provide perfect peace in the midst of unsettled times. “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusts in Thee.” (Isaiah 26:3) In spite of my crazy emotions and irrational fears, I am still trusting, still clinging to the Lord.
So, how am I doing? I’m fine….really.
3 Comments:
My Friend,
I know you have to hide in the inner rooms of your heart. I know you are brave and yet lonely at the same time. I am SO glad you took this trip with your sister. I know it was good for you. I am praying for you as you prepare to return to Taiwan. I have thought about the very things you mentioned. I feel the trip will show you what your next steps are. God will still be there in your apt. and his office and the church.... and many loving people and many many hugs. I wish it were not so long until I can also give you a personal hug.
Lovingly,
M
Carol,
I remember those days... One time in particular, we were in choir practice at the church - and all of a sudden a wave of grief just poured over me, and I had to get up and "run away"... found someplace in the building (don't even recall where!) where I just curled up into a little ball and sat - grief so intense that you cannot even cry!! But it passes... and gets a little better after a few years... -sigh-
I am especially praying for you as you return to the home you shared with Malcom for so long and to the memories, etc. HE (our Heavenly Father) will still be with you there and will help you get through each moment at a time.
Love always,
Ruth (M's daughter!)
Hi Carol,
I cannot add anything to the precious comments made before me by two onviously close and precious friends. Sue and I have thought often about this trip back. I believe there will be some very tough emotional times for you. However, we know God will not lead us where He will not go with us and provide the strength we need. You will be strengthened even in this and therefore I know you can do it. "I can do all things through Christ WHICH STRENGTHENETH ME." You will have a minsitry for other women in the same boat of life that only you will be able to minister too becasue of your experiences and the strength God provided to you. He will use you and your life's message to touch the eharts of others as you have been used of Him throughout this entire ordeal. We will be watching every word with anticipation and will continue to pray for our friend daily.
All our love is with you.
RM & SM
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