Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Home for Christmas
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26
I have a small wooden wall decoration done up in country style, hand painted with a bit of raffia tied around the wire hanger. It reads “All hearts go home for Christmas”. This reminds me of the common saying “Home is where the heart is”. This year it seems I can’t find “home”. No matter where I am, there is a deep sadness and longing for Malcom, the one who captured my heart 34 years ago. It is the first Christmas without him and my heart is restless for home.
I really should not complain. I was abundantly blessed of the Lord with a wonderful husband for so many years. I have friends and family who love me, demonstrate their love and care in so many ways. By the time this year of 2006 ends, I will have had special times with each of our children and with many of my dear friends. And yet my flesh and my heart fails. I don’t want to be ungrateful. I don’t want to feel sad. I chide myself that Christmas is not about me, but about the Savior. I try to summon up the determination to get past my pain and focus on living life to the full now. But it seems an impossible task. Every day I do my best to look for the blessings in life, to smile and laugh. I have gotten quite good, I think, at doing and saying all the right things. But in the night hours, when the sun has gone down and the quietness settles in, I know that I’m still struggling. I have not succeeded in making myself any less of a “mess” than I felt 6 months ago.
Perhaps God is reminding me that in my own strength I can do nothing. In Psalm 73 the psalmist aptly describes the failure of the flesh and the sovereignty of God. I long for the day when the words of verse 25 can truly be my words, “Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You.” I haven’t quite arrived at that spot yet, but I can join with the psalmist in verse 26. I freely admit my frailty and complete dependence on God. He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
I have a small wooden wall decoration done up in country style, hand painted with a bit of raffia tied around the wire hanger. It reads “All hearts go home for Christmas”. This reminds me of the common saying “Home is where the heart is”. This year it seems I can’t find “home”. No matter where I am, there is a deep sadness and longing for Malcom, the one who captured my heart 34 years ago. It is the first Christmas without him and my heart is restless for home.
I really should not complain. I was abundantly blessed of the Lord with a wonderful husband for so many years. I have friends and family who love me, demonstrate their love and care in so many ways. By the time this year of 2006 ends, I will have had special times with each of our children and with many of my dear friends. And yet my flesh and my heart fails. I don’t want to be ungrateful. I don’t want to feel sad. I chide myself that Christmas is not about me, but about the Savior. I try to summon up the determination to get past my pain and focus on living life to the full now. But it seems an impossible task. Every day I do my best to look for the blessings in life, to smile and laugh. I have gotten quite good, I think, at doing and saying all the right things. But in the night hours, when the sun has gone down and the quietness settles in, I know that I’m still struggling. I have not succeeded in making myself any less of a “mess” than I felt 6 months ago.
Perhaps God is reminding me that in my own strength I can do nothing. In Psalm 73 the psalmist aptly describes the failure of the flesh and the sovereignty of God. I long for the day when the words of verse 25 can truly be my words, “Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You.” I haven’t quite arrived at that spot yet, but I can join with the psalmist in verse 26. I freely admit my frailty and complete dependence on God. He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
5 Comments:
The only thing I can say is that your treasure truley is in Heaven now.
Tristin is still praying for you and we love you. As you know our weakness is His strength, His opportunity to hold us closer while we weep. Know that the summit is ahead and He is going to see you to that summit in time.
It is difficult to move forward at times, especially when your heart sorrows!! Purpose that FOR TODAY, you will rest in the Lord and allow your joy and reason to be in Him and HIm only---Read Psalm 121 over and over and pray for opportunities for joy to help you through those darkest hours.
You are in our prayers!
I TO AM TAKING THE JOURNEY YOU ARE ON RIGHT NOW. MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY IN SEPT OF 2006. I HAVE FOUND THAT ALL THE VERSES QUOTED IN THE BIBLE CAN NOT TAKE AWAY THE PAIN I FEEL RIGHT NOW. I CAN LAUGH NOW ALSO, BUT NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT I DON'T CRY. HE IS ON MY MIND EVERY SECOND OF EVERYDAY AND I AM ENDLESSLY SAYING "LORD, PLEASE TELL HIM I LOVE HIM" OR I JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU HONEY, I LOVE YOU". HOW I WILL GET THROUGH THIS ONLY "GOD" KNOWS, BUT I TRUST HIM. I AM VERY SORRY FOR THE LOSS OF BOTH YOUR HUSBAND AND YOU DAUGHTER. YOU HAVE INDEED BEEN GIVEN A HEAVY LOAD TO BARE. I PRAY JESUS WILL CARRY YOU.
You have not mentioned how your children and grandchildren are dealing with this mutual loss. What were your thoughts as you spent time with each of them over the holidays?
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